Inspired by conversations with Patrick Hanson Lowe and Nick Schon. Illustration by Nick Schon. On Thursday President Obama told journalists in Brussels that the US “has a deep interest in ensuring that the UK remains united… “
We’re getting used to seeing more and more of Mr. Obama in Brussels these days.
And without wishing to be rude I do think that the novelty is definitely beginning to wear off a bit now. To be honest he’s becoming a bit like Leonard Cohen. Or Neil Young. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very fond them all. I just don’t necessarily always feel like seeing them every time I pop out for a baguette.
But while at least Len and Neil still generally have at least one or two fresh additions to their repertoire, The President’s set list this outing, comprising as it did fine words about Europeans and their neighbours, was depressingly familiar. And was it just me, or was there something slightly ominous in his choice of words last week? Certainly the way his administration habitually goes about ‘ensuring’ its deep interests ought at least to give us all a moment’s pause for thought.
And so summoning the spirit and the courage both of those Americans who fought their war of Independence from The British and those British who really can’t wait another moment to be shot of Europe and all its, ahem, works allow me to propose a radical solution.
If on September 18th Scotland does finally choose to leave The United Kingdom and the UK’s remaining countries then subsequently choose to leave the European Union I can really think of no better future partner for them than the US.
They would have to come up with a new name for it, of course. And a new flag and a new anthem, as well as a new dictionary, but these are details. And although the Kingdoms of England, Wales and Northern Ireland would probably not be too happy to become mere states in the new arrangement the latter two would certainly enjoy a lot more real autonomy.
The British get a written constitution and proper bill of rights. The Americans get a Royal Family. The British get more Trident Submarines than you can shake a stick at. And aircraft carriers and aircraft to put on them. They get back Manchester United and Liverpool and Arsenal. And Gary Oldman too. And Jason Statham. The Americans get Olympic Medals at cycling. James Bond. And Paul McCartney. The Mumford’s. And Nigella Lawson.
Wall St and The City of London. United. Deregulated. Liberated. Credit default swaps and collateralised debt obligations. Golden handcuffs. Golden parachutes. CEOs on a thousand times average earnings and more. At last it all makes cents.
The NSA and GCHQ. Fox News and The BBC. The Only Way Is Texas. It’s really little more than the logical conclusion of forty years of steady Anglo-Saxon convergence. Cultural, economic and political. And therein lies the plan’s last final stroke of, if I do say so myself, genius.
For the one true English born heir to Thatcher the world stage beckons as only he truly knew it would. He’s as sound as The Liberty Bell on the right to bear arms and the will sapping iniquities of public healthcare. He’s tough on immigration. And no friend at all to to the lifestyle superpower that is The European Union.
Nigel Paul Farage. President of Never Never Land.
All Hail To The Chief. And have a nice day.